Feeling Lost

There really couldn't be a better title for this post. I am feeling completely lost. I have taken a job that I feel will crush me if not physically, then mentally and emotionally for sure. I know I know you are thinking that I am just a wimp, but I just have to tell you what I am going through.

I took the teaching job at home because I thought it would be a great opportunity and that I would learn a lot. Well what I am learning is why so many first year teachers never get past their first year. I started work and they told me I wouldn't have a classroom. I dealt with that I can teach in other teachers rooms no problem. Then they told me I had no kitchen or sewing machines. I said ok I can get through that too. Then I had to do paper work for the state and when I did they told me they wouldn't fund my program. Ok well that has been resolved. I now have a class of almost 40 students. I am not just teaching my own subject I am also helping in four other classrooms throughout the day. Today they told me I was going to get my own 5th grade math class. Yes that means lesson prep, correcting papers, and teaching another class daily. The crushing has begun. I am drowning and there is now where to go for air, there is no relief, there is only the crushing weight of what should have been a good experience.

I also face the stress of having PLC meetings, lesson planning, J-pass observations, EYE observations, weekly mentor meetings and various other staff meetings.

I am not only a teacher but a part-time Secretary as well. I didn't think that this was going to be stressful but it is. I feel as if the other secretary doesn't want me there and that I can't do anything right. I want to hide inside a little shell and never come out. Because every time I dare to venture out I feel like something else is thrown my way that I cannot handle.

If you are like most people while you are reading this you are thinking that I am being dramatic and that I need to just buck up focus on the positive and work my way through everything just one step at a time. Well the truth is that I can't I feel so completely lost that I cannot seem to know where to start. Every time someone tells me to focus on the positive, that this will look great on a resume. I can't help but think, "after this I don't ever want to teach again" "I am not cut out for teaching" "I am never going to make it through the next seven months alive" "I don't want to make it through the next seven months alive."

I am consumed with worry all the time. I cannot go to sleep at night and don't want to wake up in the morning. I dread going to work to see what they are going to pile onto me.

This is a sad post and that is exactly how I feel is just completely sad.

Feeling Better Than Ok In The AK...

So I cannot say how much I have loved Alaska because I just can't seem to find the perfect words to describe what I feel here. There is just a connection that I have felt here that I seem to have been lacking in my life previously.

Something that has changed for me on a personal level is my reliance on my Heavenly Father and my attitude and outlook on life. I love the person I have become here and I am going to do everything that I can to hold on to that when I go home.

So to update you on the goings on up here... On Sunday I went to Church which was great because I love going to Church up here. There is only a small branch and the members are wonderfully welcoming and loving. We were invited over to a members home in the evening to play games. It was great fun. Since coming up here Catherine and Brinlee have taught me the game of Scum. I am sad to say that I am not very good at this game but I do enjoy the social aspect of the game. Well Scum is what we played at the Howard's (the family who invited us over). I was scum or in the bottom three for the whole time we were there except for the very last game where I moved from scum to 3rd place on a table of 8 people it was great. I was so excited. Catherine seemed to be excited that Stephen who for our time there was always King got kicked down to the position of scum for the last game.

All in all I may not make a ton of money here this summer but I know that I will have done something even better. I have made great new friends, had totally new experiences, learned to rely on myself and the Lord more, and been able to move past my negative bitter attitude.

Fun With The Crew

So I am one of the older ones on my crew. Most of the members are 18 or 19, so I feel just a little old. :) But we all have a lot of fun together, like yesterday we went on a great little trip to the Valdez Glacier, a fish hatchery, Bridal Vail Falls, and Horsetail Falls.

We had a great time and I just thought I would put a few pictures on here so you can see the crew.

This is Jacob and Caleb

This is Ashton and Colton.

This is Garth and Birnlee. Brinlee is trying to be all ganster.

This is the Valdez Glacier (I thought that there should be more ice).

This is Catherine and Stephen Blakeslee. Aren't they a cute couple? Just kidding they are brother and sister.

This is some of the crew: Mark, Shelby, Me, Eric, Ashton, Brinlee, Garth, George, Catherine, Stephen, Camille, and Lily is kneeling in front.

Valdez Alaska

So I am have been in Alaska for a few weeks and I just have to say that I don't know that I have ever been anywhere this beautiful! Lets start at the beginning...

The flights here were awesome I met some great people and the flight from Anchorage to Valdez was the most beautiful flight that I have ever been on! Then I got to Peter Pan Sea Roods I had a little of a breakdown because I was the only white person around. Now I do not say that to be racist because I am not, but when I got my room key and grabbed my bags I had to walk down the street and on every side there were people smoking and staring at me. It was very stressful. I called home and stressed out and cried a lot but by the next morning I was doing better. After I went for a walk around the harbor I was doing SO much better. I was just so so amazed at how much better I felt.

This is Peter Pan Sea Foods where I work.

This is my dorm. The top floor anyway.

I started training at work a couple of days later and I was way excited to just be doing something. This is how work goes...

There are cans that come off the canlines and we "rake" the cans into these metal carts called bussies. Now bussies are about 4 feet tall and when they are totally full of cans they weigh around 1600 pounds. There are 8 layers in a bussy of "tall" cans (tall cans are 14.75 ounces) and there are 17 layers of "half pound" cans in a bussy (half pound cans are 7 ounces). So anyway we rake the cans into these bussies and then the bussies are wheeled in to the the retorts. Retorts are large tubes that cook the cans with steam. Ten bussies can fit in a retort and we have 7 retorts, well number 7 only holds 8 bussies, so we can be cooking 68 bussies of cans at a time. Go ahead do the math I dare you!!

After the cans are cooked you have to remove them from the retorts and take them to the cooling room. So you go into the hot retorts and then go into the cooling room where it is open to the outside and has more than a dozen fans blasting cool air 24/7. Most of the time this is a relief but I think that is how I got my cold.

Next the cans are taken from the cooling room to the pallet area. They are put on a conveyor belt and then a magnet comes down picks them up and takes them

to a pallet. In the pallet area there are several jobs, they are: strap; you pull a strap to take the cans from the bussy to the conveyor belt, strap assistant; you are on the other side of the strap making sure cans don't fall, quality assurance; you watch for wet, dented, or dirty cans, two void positions; you make sure there are no voids before the magnet picks up the section of cans, magnet; you put the pallet down and make sure that all the cans are on the pallet and you also place a layer of cardboard between each layer of cans (there are are 8 layers or cans on a pallet with 169 cans per layer), controls; you control the magnet and you help with banding, banding; you use plastic strips to hold the layers on the pallet, and finally Saran wrap where you control the machine that wraps the pallet and put on the labels for the pallet. The pallet is then taken away on a fork lift and placed in a metal containers for transport.

Yes I know I just described in way too much detail all that I can possibly do here but well I actually have the time right now so why not.

This is the small boat harbor down the street and around the corner from my dorm.

This is a view from around Valdez. I just think that it is so beautiful here.

This is the bear that I saw a few days after I got here. Isn't he (or she) the cutest! I wasn't more that 7 or 8 feet away from him (or her).

My New Adventure!

I have been really bad about blogging! I know there are a so many of you out there that are really interested in the blog (ha ha ha). Anyway sarcasm aside, I am headed off for a new adventure this week. On Saturday the 25th of June I am headed to Alaska to live for the next couple of months. What am I doing there you may ask, well I am going to work in a fish cannery. Yes some of you who know me may think that I am joking, but I am not! I am actually going to do this and I am so very excited.





I have felt for months that I am not where I am supposed to be in my life. I feel like I am stagnant. I am ready for a change! This job opportunity just fell in my lap, and well as much as I thought there was no way I could move to Alaska, I know that it will be wonderful for me. I am going to try and keep my blog updated from up there and let you all know what I am doing!

So I hope that you are all ready for an adventure!

What am I looking For?

For some reason I feel a lot like Cindy Lou Who when she says "Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?" This year I have had the hardest time getting into Christmas. It really isn't just Christmas I am having a hard time with, I can't seem to get into anything. I don't want to go to Church, I don't want to spend time with my family, I can't decide what I want to do with my life and I never really want to even leave my house.

I seem to be lost. Not that I know how to find what it is I seem to be looking for. I am not even sure that I am looking for anything. I know this post sounds crazy but I figure that very few people if anyone will even read it. I am just using it as my sounding board. Input is welcome.

What Next?

I have now moved back into my parents home which in a way makes me feel really lame because I have finished school and have no where else to go much less any money to go anywhere else.

Anyway reality hit yesterday at around this time when I went to check my bank accounts. I do not want to get into the whole story but I will say that there was crying on my part(not surprising) laughing on my fathers part (also not surprising) and some good old fashioned advice on my mothers part (definitely not surprising). I am now seeking immediate employment.

I wanted to have some time off but as we all know, well at least the two of you that actually read my blog know, God has different plans. Believe me we have had a little chat about this situation, and he has yet to answer me. I am trying to be positive about this but I am finding very little about the situation to be positive about. I would really like to crawl in a Hole and not come out for a year or two. Option two of course is my old stand by of finding a one foot in the grave outrageously rich man to marry but those prospects are looking even thinner than me finding a poor young man to marry. I promise both prospects are only in the .000000001 of happening.

Well I have poured my frustrations into this blog as usual and have found that I only feel bad for having actually written them out. Oh Well.