Feeling Lost

There really couldn't be a better title for this post. I am feeling completely lost. I have taken a job that I feel will crush me if not physically, then mentally and emotionally for sure. I know I know you are thinking that I am just a wimp, but I just have to tell you what I am going through.

I took the teaching job at home because I thought it would be a great opportunity and that I would learn a lot. Well what I am learning is why so many first year teachers never get past their first year. I started work and they told me I wouldn't have a classroom. I dealt with that I can teach in other teachers rooms no problem. Then they told me I had no kitchen or sewing machines. I said ok I can get through that too. Then I had to do paper work for the state and when I did they told me they wouldn't fund my program. Ok well that has been resolved. I now have a class of almost 40 students. I am not just teaching my own subject I am also helping in four other classrooms throughout the day. Today they told me I was going to get my own 5th grade math class. Yes that means lesson prep, correcting papers, and teaching another class daily. The crushing has begun. I am drowning and there is now where to go for air, there is no relief, there is only the crushing weight of what should have been a good experience.

I also face the stress of having PLC meetings, lesson planning, J-pass observations, EYE observations, weekly mentor meetings and various other staff meetings.

I am not only a teacher but a part-time Secretary as well. I didn't think that this was going to be stressful but it is. I feel as if the other secretary doesn't want me there and that I can't do anything right. I want to hide inside a little shell and never come out. Because every time I dare to venture out I feel like something else is thrown my way that I cannot handle.

If you are like most people while you are reading this you are thinking that I am being dramatic and that I need to just buck up focus on the positive and work my way through everything just one step at a time. Well the truth is that I can't I feel so completely lost that I cannot seem to know where to start. Every time someone tells me to focus on the positive, that this will look great on a resume. I can't help but think, "after this I don't ever want to teach again" "I am not cut out for teaching" "I am never going to make it through the next seven months alive" "I don't want to make it through the next seven months alive."

I am consumed with worry all the time. I cannot go to sleep at night and don't want to wake up in the morning. I dread going to work to see what they are going to pile onto me.

This is a sad post and that is exactly how I feel is just completely sad.