What am I looking For?

For some reason I feel a lot like Cindy Lou Who when she says "Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?" This year I have had the hardest time getting into Christmas. It really isn't just Christmas I am having a hard time with, I can't seem to get into anything. I don't want to go to Church, I don't want to spend time with my family, I can't decide what I want to do with my life and I never really want to even leave my house.

I seem to be lost. Not that I know how to find what it is I seem to be looking for. I am not even sure that I am looking for anything. I know this post sounds crazy but I figure that very few people if anyone will even read it. I am just using it as my sounding board. Input is welcome.

What Next?

I have now moved back into my parents home which in a way makes me feel really lame because I have finished school and have no where else to go much less any money to go anywhere else.

Anyway reality hit yesterday at around this time when I went to check my bank accounts. I do not want to get into the whole story but I will say that there was crying on my part(not surprising) laughing on my fathers part (also not surprising) and some good old fashioned advice on my mothers part (definitely not surprising). I am now seeking immediate employment.

I wanted to have some time off but as we all know, well at least the two of you that actually read my blog know, God has different plans. Believe me we have had a little chat about this situation, and he has yet to answer me. I am trying to be positive about this but I am finding very little about the situation to be positive about. I would really like to crawl in a Hole and not come out for a year or two. Option two of course is my old stand by of finding a one foot in the grave outrageously rich man to marry but those prospects are looking even thinner than me finding a poor young man to marry. I promise both prospects are only in the .000000001 of happening.

Well I have poured my frustrations into this blog as usual and have found that I only feel bad for having actually written them out. Oh Well.

Why Not?

I am sitting here enjoying my relaxation time. It is not often that I get such time lately. My student teaching is winding down, and so is my energy. I have loved student teaching more than I thought I would, but it has been such a great deal of work that I did not anticipate. I am excited to move home and spend the Holidays with my family. My little sister is just thrilled to have me come home! She is looking up all sorts of projects for us to do. It will also be nice to have a break. I do not know what I will do when I get home, but I guess that will all come together later.

Update

Well, I must have missed September becuase I am sure that it cannot almost be the end of October!! Time has just flown. I have been insanely busy! I haven't really even stopped to breath. I leave for school by 6:00 most mornings and don't get home until after 7:00 most nights. I have absolutely no life (so all my plans of coming to the big city and actually finding someone to date have not worked out. Not that I expected them to...) I haven't done anything with anyone other than my family in over a month. Almost 2 months! That is all my own fault and I know it but when I don't get home until later, I have no energy or patience for doing anything or being around anyone.

I have to say that I love teaching a lot more than I expected to, but that I am still not sure if I am going to end up as a teacher. I have too many thoughts to put into words on the subject.

Just a small rant about the city... IT SMELLS!!!!! I hate all of the nasty, horrible, disgusting smells that you are all of the sudden accosted with while driving down the street. I have gagged several times! IT IS TOO LOUD!!!! Right at this moment I can hear sirens, I hate all the noise!! I need more quiet! LASTLY... My bedroom walls are not insulated enough. I love my roommates but I hate hearing every conversation they have at1:00 in the morning when I am trying to sleep. It is really starting to annoy.

Other than having a headache and feeling completely exhausted, I have nothing new to report.

P.S. Even though this post sounds just a bit annoyed and angry, I am doing quite well!!!

WOW! I love my school

I am student teaching at the most amazing school ever!!! It has such great CRT (certified reference test) scores and the faculty is amazing. I just love it there!!

I am feeling better about living in Taylorsville as well, I mean I don't want to live here forever but I like it. I just prefer somewhere with more space and less people. I think I am more of a country girl than I thought I was.

Not much else to report. I am working on getting lesson plans ready making sure that I am getting to know my students names. Also trying to sort out my financial aid that has been a mess but what is new when it comes to money.

Ok Maybe I'm Not Ready For This

On Friday I moved to Taylorsville Utah. I thought that this was going to be really exciting and it was until I realized that at some point my mom and sister were going to leave and I was going to be on my own. Normally this wouldn't bother me but this time it was different. I didn't want to be left to do my own thing. I just wanted them to stay forever. It didn't help that my mother and brother took me to dinner and kept telling all the dangerous things to watch out for and all the things that I needed to be careful of. I was really scared the first night, and my mom was still here. I just wanted to go home. What was I really doing here anyway? The next day and night were better, but this morning when my mom and sister finally did leave ( I was able to convince them to stay an extra night) I cried and cried. I felt so alone even though I am rooming with 3 other girls, I just couldn't stand watching my mom leave. I went to church and it was great it really helped me feel better. I know that this is going to be a crazy few months I just hope I can get through it. Pray for me.

I Just Hope That It Doesn't Come In 3's

Well this week has already been a tough one. Around 11:00 pm Sunday night my brother Mike called to tell my parents that my brother Brian had been in an accident and had broken his jaw. He was pushed while at a pool and he hit the side of the pool and then fell into the water. So my Dad, sister in-law Kristy, and my brother Patrick went out to Salt Lake to take care of Brian.

Brian and Kristy's kids came to stay with us. I had Stephanie and Sara monday and tuesday and Wyatt tuesday. The girls have cheer camp this week and so I needed to take them to that, which I am totally fine with. But can I just say I was never a fan of cheer leaders. I am not a fan of sitting and watching them teach my nieces cheers that I think are really stupid either, but that is what I am doing.

I do loving having my nieces and nephew around but I don't think that I am ready to be a mom. At least not an instant one, becuase it is really hard to jump into the shoes of someone and try to take on their role when you have your own ideas and standards.

Brian is home now and he will be ok but they had to put 3 metal plates in his jaw and his jaw is wired shut for 6 weeks. A total liquid diet is required. I feel bad for him. When we took the kids home today he looked like he was in a lot of pain, I hope that he heals fast.

On top of all this my brother Mike seems to be having a crisis of Faith. He thinks that God is punishing him. I think that he doesn't understand God. I pray for him and I hope that he can pull it together for his children because he is a single parent, but I don't know that he really wants to pull it together. What can say my family is really just one crisis after another. I guess that is life.

The old saying that bad things happen in 3's I am just hoping that it isn't true.

Dreams.... A premonition or just my crazy brain

So this morning I am awoken by a hissing sound. First I think that I should mention that I have an irrational fear of snakes. I mean who wouldn't the things can move and they don't have any legs! It gives me the creeps. Anyway I find myself awake sitting on my bed listening for this hissing sound. I think that I should also mention that I am currently living in my parent's basement, at least for the next week. I have never seen a snake in the basement but that doesn't mean that my overactive imagination can't conjure some up. SO anyway I am sitting on my bed, outside of the covers of course because I am worried that I might have a snake in my bed and I shake my bed to see if it could have been making the hissing sound, but it doesn't. I continue to shake my bed because I think that if the snake is on the floor I will at least get to hear it before I jump off the bed and go screaming from the room, I really hate snakes! But there is still no hissing sound. So I chalk it up to very active imagination and lay back down. I do not however cover my self with the sheets just to be safe. So my question is, was it a dream? And if it was a dream was it just my crazy tired brain or was it something more?

The Next Phase

Wow, I can't beleive that I graduated from college!!! Ok so I still have to do my student teaching, but all of my course work is done. I just can't believe it! When I first started college I don't think that I thought that I would actually graduate. Now I have and I don't really know what to do next. Life seems to be completely unplanned, I have so many options for after student teaching that it is overwhelming. I could: get a teaching job, get a different job, move home and get a job, find someone I might want to marry(this is a big if), go back to college.... The possibilities are endless, or so it seems. Life is going to be an adventure... well that is what I keeping telling myself.







Me with my parents after I graduated!!









My methods class, well most of us, and Sister Lammons. These are the girls that have taught me so much and who I know will continue to teach me. I am glad we are all in this together. It has been a great ride.

Life Through a Camera Lens

These are some of the amazing pictures I got of the Sunset from the porch of the house my family rented in Nauvoo. It was amazing to watch the sunsets from this house. I loved watching the sun over the water.

This is one of my absolutely favorite pictures. I took this on a family vacation two years ago in Nauvoo. This is the Mississippi River when it was flooding back in 2008.

The Beginning

So, I am doing this because my wonderful roommate thinks that it will help me cope with some changes in my life. I must agree that I think that it will be fun. So all those that are reading this welcome I hope that you will come along with me on this journey.